


A Series of Unfortunate Memes: A Rough Anthology

by warlockdetective



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: AU: Beatrice And Bertrand Are Alive, AU: Olaf Is A Somewhat Decent Person, I apologize in advance for how some of the stories have AUs but some of them don't, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2018-10-30 14:39:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10878885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warlockdetective/pseuds/warlockdetective
Summary: Dear Reader,If you are reading this summary in the hopes that you may have misread the title, I'm sorry to inform you that your eyes haven't deceived you. This collection of stories is roughly inspired by a blog of the same name; like the posts, some of the stories could be seen as humorous in a way, while some of the others could be seen in a different light.In this collection, however, I must warn you that it's possible to encounter moments that might come across as out-of-character, several AUs and crossovers, an indefinite setting, and possible spoilers for the later books in the series, movie, and/or the Netflix series.If you are not interested in any of this, then it is best that you look away and find a different fic to read.With All Due Respect,--





	1. Story Time with Count Olaf

**Author's Note:**

> "Count Olaf reminds me of that one relative everyone tells weird stories about, and when you ask the relative about it they never confirm nor dismiss them, so you're just left in this loop of confusion wondering if they actually did dress up as a dragon one day and somehow end up being cast as an extra in a few XXX videos."
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/133319651920

Count Olaf was one of those people that the Baudelaires always had questions about, both sincere and completely ridiculous. He was also one of those people that never answered in a direct manner, and even when he did, it was very rarely his genuine answer. It was something that the Baudelaires found very amusing, but also somewhat irritating.

Though, granted, there were a few questions that they felt deserved the answers he gave, especially if the questions were rumor related in some way. One such question was one the Baudelaires could barely say before cracking up, and the look on Count Olaf’s face once they managed to say it made them laugh even more.

“Who even told you that one?” Count Olaf asked them after a moment.

“Our dad was telling us a bunch of stories about VFD members last night,” Klaus managed to reply. “One of them was about how you were once cast as a dragon in a few XXX videos.”

“Of course he told you that,” Olaf responded, trying not to laugh at the thought of how the Baudelaires must have reacted to the story the first time they heard it.

“So did you?” Violet asked, something the three of them had been wondering since they first heard the story, for although there quite a few stories that were true, there were also many that weren’t. Since they knew they’d be going on a Sunday drive with Count Olaf the next morning, the children decided to ask him about it then.

“Well, would you look at that? We’re almost at your house,” he replied as he turned the corner of their street.

“Oh, _come on_!” the Baudelaires cried, to which the Count laughed and added, “I know you won’t believe me no matter what I say. With a story like that, who would?”

As he pulled up to the Baudelaire’s mansion, he then said, “Two can play at that game.” Before they could ask what he meant, he continued, “I have a few stories about your parents during our early VFD days, if you’d be interested in hearing them.” Before they could all say that they would, he then added, “Tomorrow,” resulting in groans from the Baudelaires and laughter from Count Olaf. As the children got out of the car, he called from the window, “I’ll tell a few about your Uncle Monty and Aunt Josephine, too,” before waving and driving off.

The children smiled and waved back, though the smiles faded when they realized something: They still didn’t have an answer for their question


	2. The Worst Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Do you think Klaus has ever cried after reading a book? Would it be a book that was universally praised or a book that was universally hated? This is the shit that keeps me up at night."
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/133318876265

He knew that it had upset him, but he never thought that he’d be _this_ upset over it.

It was a little bit after one in the morning on a school night, and here he was crying over what he considered to be the worst thing he had ever spent $15 on. It had annoyed him since the beginning, but many of his favorite books annoyed him at first in some way before he really thought about them. This one didn’t stop annoying him, no matter how he looked at it.

The only positive that he thought of in terms of everything was that he now knew which poet’s work to never read again.


	3. Olaf Makes Poor Life Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It was at that moment Olaf knew: he fucked up."
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/140249754370

Why did he buy this car?

Why the _fuck_ did he think buying this car was a good idea? There were no buttons in the car that could lock or unlock the doors, the cranks used to open and close the windows had fallen off long before he even bought the thing, the tape deck was jammed (meaning that all he could listen to was the opening theme to The Littlest Elf), and there was no way to adjust the front seats.

Normally, he’d be able to take care of half of those things by using his keys, but he didn’t realize he had lost his keys until he walked out of the convenience store he had been in, got in his car, and suddenly had his car locked. Once he was locked in his own car, he realized that he had left his keys on the cashier’s counter, and since he and they were the only ones in the store at the time, it meant that they had used the keys. Granted, Olaf paid for absolutely nothing that he had gotten from the store, but he found it more enjoyable to pretend that that had nothing to do with the predicament he was in.

It wasn’t until he heard the sound of a train approaching that he realized just how bad the situation he had gotten himself into was; he had parked right on the tracks, and his car clock had stopped working a few months ago, which wouldn’t have been a problem if the convenience store had a clock at all so he’d know that the train would be coming. It wasn’t until he had gone from seeing the train directly in front of his car window to suddenly finding himself staring at his ceiling that he realized that, surprisingly, this wasn’t the day where he had finally completely and truly fucked up.

He glanced over to the clock beside his bed, only to remember that it didn’t have any batteries in it. “I should really do something about that,” he muttered as he started to get out of bed. The car could be taken care of another day.


	4. The Worst Performance You Could Ever Have the Displeasure of Hearing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "anyway here's wonderwall"
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/133840020405

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,” Vice Principal Nero began, “for joining me tonight for my 2,560th performance.”

“Like we chose to be here,” a rather exhausted Duncan muttered to himself.

“I beg your pardon?” Nero sneered, pointing the bow of his violin at Duncan.

“Oh! I-I’m just pleased to be here,” a now flustered Duncan replied. He swore he could hear Carmelita laugh, though he wasn’t sure if she was laughing at his response or Nero’s actions.

“ _'I’m just pleased to be here'_. Well, I would hope so!” Nero exclaimed, “Because tonight, for my 2,560th performance, I have a very special piece that I’ll be performing! A piece that you could set the most vicious fencing duels to! A piece-no, a _symphony_ -that even the famous pole-vaulters from Denmark could perform to! ”

“If you are what you eat, this guy’s diet is nothing but ham,” Isadora whispered to Duncan, who tried his best to stifle his laughter.

“Anyway, without further ado, here,” Nero paused for a moment to add suspense that he knew full well was unnecessary, “is ‘Wonderwall’.”

“Wait, what-?” was the last thing anyone in the auditorium heard before Nero’s violin made the most ungodly noises that any of them had ever heard. Even Carmelita could be seen cringing in response to the sound.

“Six hours of _this_?” Duncan groaned as he tried to discreetly cover his ears.

Isadora, who was being nowhere near as discreet, responded, “It’s probably going to be like any other performance; he’ll play this shit for six hours, and that’s all he’ll do. He’ll end the performance by berating us for not giving him a standing ovation, and-.”

But before Isadora could finish reassuring both Duncan and herself, Nero began to croon, “ _I said maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me._ ”

“Oh, no,” someone behind the Quagmires begged. “Please, for the love of Nathaniel Hawthorne, don’t tell me-.”

“ _And after all,_ ” Nero continued, “ _you’re my Wonderwall._ ”

Screams began to flood the auditorium. However, they were nothing compared to the sound of Nero’s voice and violin. By the time the whole thing ended, those who still had life in them applauded out of sheer joy that the performance was over.

The only good thing that the students thought came out of the performance was a couplet Isadora has written about it:  
_I’d rather spend six hours in a shit-stained stall  
Than hear Nero’s cover of Oasis’s “Wonderwall”._


	5. Alternate Climax/End of The Ersatz Elevator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "au where the baudelaires fall into the underground in undertale when they're pushed down the elevator shaft by esme what's-her-face"  
> (Esme Squalor)
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/133423074770

“…Klaus, I don’t understand, we climbed down a while ago and we didn’t see this path,” Violet mused.

“Do you think it leads anywhere?” Klaus pondered. “We’ve been walking for 30 minutes at least, maybe 50 at most. I wish I had a watch on me.”

“It feels like it’s been longer than either one of those,” Violet admitted. “Do you think we’ll find the Quagmires at the end of this path?”

“I hope so,” Klaus replied. “I feel like we should be getting close--.”

“Look--!” Sunny started, but was unable to finish. What she was about to say was “look out”, which in some cases could mean “Watch out for that brick wall”, “Make sure Aunt Agatha doesn’t buy another set of green shower curtains”, or “Be on the lookout for bees”. In this case, however, it meant, “Watch out for that hole”. The warning, while well-intended, came too late, and the Baudelaires fell down a hole so huge they were surprised they hadn’t seen it a few minutes ago.

Their surprise, however, was very short lived, for unlike the fall in the elevator shaft, this fall was a very brief one. Like the elevator shaft, though, there was something to break their fall.

“A bed of buttercups?” Violet realized, sitting up to look around her new surroundings.

“Cave?” Sunny added, wiping her eyes in disbelief.

“In an elevator shaft?” Klaus added, rubbing his temples. “Or, near one, I guess? I’m so confused…”

“How did we--?” Violet started, but then stopped herself. “Alright, let’s try to retrace our steps: we told Esme Olaf’s plan, she pushed us down the elevator into a net, and we got out of the net…”

“…but we couldn’t find the Quagmires,” Klaus continued. “We walked for 30-50 minutes, maybe more, and now…”

“…cave,” Sunny finished.

“Is that where we fell from?” Klaus cried in disbelief, pointing to a bright hole just above them.

“I think we fell down that one,” Violet answered, pointing to a darker hole a little ways from the other one. “Both of them look too high to reach if we were to climb normally.”

“Is there any way we could make a rope?” Klaus asked.

Violet shook her head before answering, “Not enough flowers. Besides, I don’t think they’d be strong enough for us to climb out.”

The Baudelaires were silent for a few minutes, still trying to get their bearings in their new surroundings. After a moment, Klaus realized, “We’re in a mountain. Do you see that hole?” He pointed to the bright hole he noticed earlier as he continued, “If that isn’t the peak, then it’s very close by.”

“How did we get from a building in the city to _the inside of a mountain_?” Violet cried.

“That’s still a mystery to me,” Klaus admitted, “but I think I know how to get us out. If I’m thinking correctly, then there should be another path somewhere in here that will lead us back out.”

“Welgo,” Sunny replied, meaning something along the lines of “That path over there is the only way we can go.”

With that, the Baudelaires stood from the flower bed and began walking again. They had only walked for a minute when they came across something that made them question their surroundings even more: a smiling flower.

“Well, I have to say, I’ve never seen a group of you before!”

The Baudelaires looked at each other, and then back at the flower; none of them knew what to make of the situation. What _could_ they make of the situation? Despite how surreal everything felt to them, it was clear that none of them were dreaming, but they had never heard of such a thing as a talking flower. With that, though, they also hadn’t heard of getting inside of a mountain via secret tunnel in an elevator in a city building.

It was Violet who finally broke the silence by asking, “You are…?”

“Flowey! Flowey the Flower!” the flower answered.

“This has to be a dream,” Violet thought to herself. “There isn’t any other rational answer.”

“Flowey,” Klaus repeated. He then, after trying to comprehend that all of what he was seeing was real, asked, “Do you know any way we can get out of here?”


	6. Return to Sender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "to cut straight to the chase, here's a 100% Not Okay headcanon that I haven't really been able to forget about since it came to me one night: Lemony writes letters to former members of VFD who have long since passed away, even though he knows full well he won't get a response from any of them."
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/173374857240

_My dear sister,_

Your hands moved to type "I hope you are well" on sheer instinct, only to come to a sudden halt. It wasn't until a brief moment that you came to realize why.

You had not received a reply from her in quite some time, and you knew you would never get a reply from her in the years to come. Despite knowing this, there were still days where you refused to believe it.

You removed the paper and rolled in a new sheet, shaking your head as you began to type,

_My dear brother,_

Your hands refused to let you type any further. You found out why your brother hadn't replied to you long before you found out why your sister hadn't replied to you, yet that still didn't seem to stop you from trying to hear from him regardless.

Your hands began to tremble as you removed the paper, tears in your eyes before you could even replace it with another sheet. A weary sigh escaped you as you buried your head in your hands. You hadn't heard from _her_ in so long that you couldn't remember the sound of her voice, no matter how many sleepless nights you spent trying.

There were many others who, now that you thought about it, you hadn't heard from in so long you could only remember the slightest details about them. Despite that, you still tried to hear from again.

You found the world to be far too quiet without them.


	7. The Scottish Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The real reason behind Lemony and Olaf's falling out: one of them said 'Macbeth' in the theater and the other literally never wanted to talk to them ever again."
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/172491522700

From what he could recall, he and Olaf had been organizing props that would be used in the play later that night, discussing possible plays they could perform in the future as they did so. Less than a minute later, he heard the very distinct sound of shattering glass.

"Is everything--?" was all Lemony managed to ask before coming face-to-face with a horrified and furious Olaf.

"Did you just say--?" Olaf wouldn't let himself finish the question. "Did you _really_ just say--?"

"Just say what?" Lemony asked, unsure whether he was feeling more concerned or confused.

Before Lemony could ask his question again, Olaf grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and hissed, "Never talk to me again, Snicket."

Letting Lemony go, he walked towards the exit of the theater as he continued, "Don't talk to me. Don't even _look_ at me. I don't want to see you _**ev**_ \--!"

Olaf's rant was interrupted by the sound of him slamming into the theater's doors. Somewhat dazed, he tried to push the doors open, but to no avail.

"They're pull doors," Lemony said after a moment.

"Oh," was all Olaf could say once he pulled the doors open. Before he left, he turned to face Lemony and said, "I never want to see you _**ever again**_!" before slamming the doors shut.

After a moment alone with his thoughts, Lemony realized exactly what he had said: Macbeth. "Oh dear," was the only thing he could say once he came to the realization.


	8. Local Cryptid Spotted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "local cryptid Lemony Snicket seen playing an accordion and riding a unicycle through the woods"
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/164510818450/x

You're walking in the woods. There's no one around, and your phone is dead. Before you can mutter another curse to yourself for not charging your phone before you left the house, however, something catches your attention. You hear it long before you see it, and even once you do, you have to do a double-take to make sure your eyes aren't playing tricks on you in the dark of the night.

A man on a unicycle whose face you can't quite make out in the dark rides past you while playing what seems to be a song he himself wrote. The part of the song you heard seemed to be warning you to count to zero, scream, and run away if you ever came across someone by the name of Count Olaf.

Before you can even try to catch up with the man and ask who exactly this Count he was singing about was, you hear a branch snap behind you, followed by the crunch of leaves. You don't dare look behind you. Picking a direction besides the one to your back, you run deeper into the woods, unaware of the footsteps becoming more frequent in pace behind you.


	9. Wrong Questions and Odd Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Neil Cicierega's 'The 50 State Nightmares' gives me AtWQ vibes in a way I can't quite explain"
> 
> https://aseriesofunfortunatememes.tumblr.com/post/174586520880/x

_The only trees that are dead are birch,_   
_There's a shark loose in church._   
_You're stuck in a fridge that's been turned to face a wall,_   
_But there's no one around to hear your frantic call._   
_By the time you escape and find one of the town's phones,_   
_You look at your feet and see bones._   
_As you make your way through the streets, stretching and long,_   
_You somehow just know that your soul is gone._

_The ink has begun to fade from the sea,_   
_The coffee is starting to sour;_   
_But the question that troubles all business in town is_   
_Who could that be at this hour?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this is much shorter than I thought it'd be I apologize)


End file.
